Recently I’ve been going for guys with all sorts of mad, scatty and difficult minds. A bit like myself, just different characters.
It’s possible to throw in that I take pleasure in pain but I know this isn’t quite the case. Light physical pain in sex, yes. Again, light.

But what about emotional pain? Is that not the kind that is much more significant in terms of leaving sticky stamps on your brain? The suffering is much greater, and I don’t exactly favour traumatic experiences.

I’ve heard a lot of people mentioning the contrast to life, explaining that in this case self-inflicted pain reminds me of being alive and also gives me a sense of power. Even though an existentialist idea I am skeptical. There is other ways to feel vibration (sex) and power (sex). 

I need to do some reading. Both psychological and philosophical.